just some old memories..

me and my friends went to attend the mass at 7pm. after that, they cooked pancit canton and some tuna nuggets or whatever you call that. i was not able to help them because i was on the phone, busy chatting with someone. 30- minute later, they called me to eat dinner .and so i ended the call. went to the dining area and ate off course.
while eating, my best bud started reminiscing again about her ex.. or should i say her sweetest downfall just to quote her.. she is still sad.. even if she smiles you can still see that it's not the same smile she used to give everyone.. and then she suddenly remember the letter that she made for that guy which she never gave.. this made me remember of the letter that i gave him..

don't get me wrong.. im not up for another drama.. i was laughing when i shared my story regarding that letter.. well, it's not really funny because during that time, i have not written anything yet but my tears started falling like rain.. non- stop.. maybe because during that time "goodbye"was the hardest thing for me to do since i was not ready yet.. but i guessed, since we have already closed that part of our lives, it was easier for me to move on.. now that i feel better, all of those sad, stupid memories were just another funny thing for me.. i mean, i never anticipated that i'll be laughing at myself..

this led me to conclude on one thing.. closure is very important for both parties to move on.. let me quote what a dj said, really cant remember what radio station was that, "kung paiiyakin mo ang isang tao, kung iiwan mo siya, siguraduhin mong alam niya ung dahilan kung bakit xa umiiyak at kung bakit mo siya iniwan.. dahil mas madali na sa kanya para mag move on kasi alam niya kung ano ung mga bagay na dapat niyang iwasan o kalimutan.." i was smiling while listening to what this dj said.. i was lucky somehow.. even if we ended this way, he did not left me hanging.. he ended it in a way that i would not need to ask questions anymore.. no more "whys" or "ifs".. maybe that is why even if for just a month, i was able to get back on track.. im glad that he was gentleman enough to face me and tell me that everything has to end.. im not left of what could have been.. and for that one, a million thanks to you..

and for you my friend.. just be strong enough.. i know how much you're hurting now.. but i believe that in God's time.. you will find your way back to your old self.. someone who is strong and confident.. someone much better than before.. we will alwayd be here for you.. and by that way.. if crying would be an avenue to somehow release some of the pain that you feel.. you know where to look for me.. =) you take care..

just a thought..

well.. here goes nothing..

it has been like years to me already.. i guess that’s how it feels when you’re trying to forget bad memories in the past. . that is one good mechanism for one to heal..

honestly, i feel better now.. it was a good thing that i took time off from work.. i went home to tarlac.. i hang out with my highschool friends.. met old schoolmates.. it was great! i almost totally forgot about what happened here.. until this day came that i have to meet him to give back his things.. we were not able to spend much time together for some reasons but that’s okay because i had my friend to keep me company.. what made me cry that day was when i opened the gift that he gave me.. we were in jollibee, i slowly opened the starbucks paper bag and inside was one of shirts that he usually wear at home.. with the scent of his perfume that i love most.. i cried not because i’m sad that he was leaving but because i never expected that he will give me something and the best part, it’s something that he uses everyday but he decided to give it to me.. i know it’s mushy but i guess i am just a sentimental person.. haha!

anyways.. that fateful day was the last time that i cried.. we went home.. hang out with friends again.. i’m not really expecting that i will be receiving an email from him.. happily, i replied back.. maybe i got at least three emails from him.. and then another “made-up” story happened. i don’t want to reiterate what happened but for all i know, i now him that much and that he would not do such thing.. but right there and there i ended whatever connection we have as requested by “him” or probably “her”.. i thought that was the end of it.. but i was wrong again.. a blog was posted about me.. how desperate i am to have him.. i was running after him.. ugh! i don’t even know where that came from..

let’s just say.. insecurity is a disease and there is no medicine for it.. if you're ugly, no matter how you try to smile, you are still ugly.. if you're just an ordinary individual that cant even make heads turn, no matter how you try to dress up just to be “maporma”, you’re still ordinary.. and even if you won over me, that does not change anything.. yes you have him but you are still so desperate to keep me away from him.. why? because you are threatened by my existence.. by just thinking that i am pretty and you’re not, that i am sexy and you’re not, that i am intelligent and you’re just average, you will really go crazy.. you keep on pushing the issue that i am ugly.. suit yourself miss! if that will make you at peace .. enjoy! but i am assuring you, when you see me someday.. i will prove you wrong..

for your blog, you’re just making a fool out of yourself.. you're a graduate, you're a professional, you were raised well by your parents as you said, why don’t you act like one? do you think he will be proud of you with all those things that you’re doing? think.. before it’s too late for you.. i want to meet you.. but i don’t want to see you in an asylum.. you take care! =)

it's over.. the crossroads with hell... =)

i am left with no choice.. and so be it!

i never imagined that things will end up this way.. it's not what i am expecting at all.. i did anticipate that it will come to this point but not as bad as this.. it's hell! yeah right.. being taken for granted was the last thing on my mind that's going to happen but here i am.. left alone.. this is the sweetest thing that happened.. all this time, after going against everything, still not worth it... still not enough... or am i just too good?! yeah.. hell yeah!!! im too good.. i accepted everything... but i just want to let you know that im still human.. i do give up as well.. i tried not to, i really did.. but i guess it's but right for me to give space and time for myself.. for me to be able to breathe.. for me to be able to think... and for me to regain myself again... i trusted.. but it was not taken care of.. now, would i learn to trust again? yes, i will.. but not now.. not tomorrow.. not with the same person.. i dont want to be friends at all.. maybe not for now.. now i am ending this... it's over!

i tried.. but this will be the first and the last... crossroads with hell! =)

where do broken hearts go?

it seems that there are a quite few people who are asking this question.. but really... where do broken hearts go?

some say that broken hearts go nowhere... nowhere? maybe.. but then i think broken hearts go to this certain place where they can heal themselves.. a place where they can try to unwind and forget the pain that they are feeling.. a place wherein they have enough breathing space to let go of the biggest "sigh" that they have inside... a place where even for just a while, they can cry out their pains....

breaking your heart is not easy... it will never be easy.. there are lots of questions that are left unsaid.... there are lots of "why's" and "what if's" that are waiting to be answered.. sometimes you even feel that you are not worthy of anything.. you even come to a point wherein you blame yourself for the misery that you are feeling... sad... but no matter how much we try to forget the feeling of pain and agony it keeps on coming back everytime we see or hear things that link us back to that one thing which broke our hearts... it will take some time.. a little more time..

as the saying goes.. time will heal all wounds... yes... give it some time... give it a little more time.. it will not do you any good if you will be rushing things... let things fall in their right place... at a rigth time... go out! enjoy life... there are lots of wonderful things out there that you can try to explore... hang out with friends... watch a movie.... write what you feel.. do things that will help you ease the pain.. dont get caught up with your problem.. smile... hope.. pray...there is more to that... just give it some time.. a little more.. much more time.. the wounds will heal..

now, where do broken hearts go?

you'll know... when you get there.. =)

two different worlds...

two different worlds....

sometime in the future, we will go separate ways.. not really a goodbye for the both of us but just a "temporary" hello to our own separate worlds.. it hurts to think that someday we will have to go through this but hopely that situation will be a way for us to realize the real worth, real feelings that we have for each other.. the road out there is still blurry.. not certain what will happen, not sure of what lies ahead of us.. but i know deep in our hearts, there is a little spark of hope that in the end, there will be an "us"..

let's cross the bridge when we get there.. well, this one will be a very long journey.. like what they say in Filipino, "kung tayo sa huli, magiging tayo talaga.. " Soon, you will be going out in your own world, same with me.. a world wherein we dont have each other.. a world wherein both of us will just be another face in the crowd.. a world wherein we dont need to think about anyone but ourselves.. a world wherein we always wanted to be.. a world wherein we can better find ourselves.. what we want. and who we want.. a world to build those plans that we want to happen.. and a world where in we can call as our own place..

nonetheless.. living in our worlds will not limit us to the things that we want to do.. someday, after being away, for sure, our roads will cross again.. and by that time... whatever decision we will have, it will be clearer, it will be for the better and most importantly, it will be for the happiness of both of us.. enjoy your journey! i'll enjoy mine as well.. just do me a little favor will you..

take care of yourself when i'm not around to do that for you.. that would be the biggest favor that you can do for me.. =)

life goes on..

life goes on..

i was not suppose to write anything about break ups or hurts but i guess having caught in a situation wherein i can feel the pain that someone else's experiencing, drag me to open a note pad and start making my brain cells work again..

while someone was telling me a story of his life, i cant help but look back to the time where i was in the same scenario.. i can feel the pain that someone is experiencing because until now, somehow, i still can feel that same pain..

looking back, that day was really one of the saddest part of my life.. it was not really easy for me to do that but just to save myself and my pride and for everyone's happiness, i have to do it.. i really have to.. i wanted to keep it but maybe it's not meant to be kept.. i wanted to be happy but i guess i am meant to be happy in a different way.. i wanted to stay but i guess i am bound to go..

and so i did..

and here i am.. moving forward.. trying to forget the feeling.. i am okay now.. just sometimes when i get to think the things that i "lost" makes me sad.. makes me wonder as well if we can have it again.. makes me ask lots of what if's and why's.. but all of these summed up to just one.. letting go.. goodbye..

no hard feelings.. we're good.. life goes on for everyone..